The Tough Choices In Life: Peanuts, Pretzels, Cookies

While all of you are coming down from your BBQ with family & friends food coma's and weekend boat party hangovers, I am sitting in a hotel in Baltimore on my 4th of 6 consecutive days of flying.  I'm exhausted.

Let me stop for a second and make a disclaimer: I like passengers.  Honestly.  Some of them can be seriously cool people.  Please remember this if you decide to read on!!!!!!!

That being said....good gracious I hate holiday flying!  Flying brings out the worst in people, even on a good day, and holiday flying brings out something I dread: the rookie flyer. That person who only suffers airports once a year to make a holiday visit with loved ones. No, this doesn't mean that those of you who rarely fly should start looking at train tickets or else suffer the wrath of the flight attendant your next trip.  This just means that it is very clear & evident that you don't fly often because you have zero "jetiquette" and you should probably print out what I am about to write and take it with you the next time you fly.  Please.  I beg of you on behalf of FA's everywhere.  See, I can't legit get mad at rookie flyers for not knowing the ropes...not everyone can be a Diamond member that knows the workings of specific routes they take constantly better than I do...but I can ask that you use common sense & understand the basics.  Especially since I am taking it upon myself to crusade for rookie flyers everywhere!  Here goes....

JETIQUETTE BASICS:

1. Let's start with boarding...if I am in the aisle, this doesn't mean you have to stand there and stare at me blankly until I wave you through.  I've got bags to move & bins to fill!  While I am doing my job, your sole purpose is to quickly get your bum to your seat without me telling you to do so, so here is your permission to just squeeze past me.  Throw in an "excuse me" while passing and we just became best friends.  Oh, and please make sure you put your small stuff under the seat in front of you.  I need that bin space for the giant puzzle of roller bags that is my life every boarding process.  
2. You pack it, you rack it.  You have a bad back?  Ok, I don't want to make that 2 of us.  I will lend you a hand, but I am for sure not lifting your giant suitcase filled with cinder blocks all by my lonesome while you stand by and watch.  
3. Don't ask me for water.  At least not while boarding, during my demo (in fact, if you interrupt my demo at all I am not going to be your friend anymore), or while we are taxiing.  You have meds to take?  Pretty sure you knew that those meds had to be taken at that time an hour ago...which is just about the time you were sitting up at the gate doing nothing probably while 100 feet from a store you could have purchased water from.  It's not that I am lazy or don't want you to have the water; I just don't have the time just then.  Something you DID have before you walked on my plane.  Now, FA's also know "stuff happens", so if you genuinely need that water please don't let this blog stop you from asking.  All I am asking you to do is THINK about it first.  
4. Airplane mode is NOT off.  Enough said.  
5. Peanuts, pretzels or cookies?  I promise you, this isn't a trick question and there is no wrong answer to it.  Just choose one!!!!  Or choose none!  Or be a greedy little piggy and choose them all!  Whatever you decide, I beg of you to please just don't make me ask you 4 times while you get more and more overwhelmed by the clearly too many options I have just given you in life.  Obviously this is the toughest choice you have had to make all day.  
6. I am not a waitress in the sky.  What I am is a flight attendant - someone who spent weeks being trained to save your butt should something happen on the plane.  Since I am such a considerate hostess, I serve you snacks and drinks while you are guest on said plane, but the main reason I am there is in case an emergency rears it's ugly head.  Now please remember to be a courteous guest and don't insult me by treating me poorly, putting your feet up on the walls & furniture, or using poor manners...and for goodness sake please make sure you flush the toilet!
7. Do I come to your office while you are at work and stand over your desk with a screaming baby or do yoga poses while you are trying to get things done?  No???  Ok, let's try and extend me the same courtesy.  The galley is my little office.  If you need to come stretch your legs for a minute or 2, I understand.  Can we at least come to a compromise and please try not to do it while I am eating my lunch or putting away a giant beverage cart?  Thanks.  
8. If you booked your own ticket & left yourself with some impossibly tight connection that you are never going to make unless we were passengers on the Starship Enterprise and had the power to teleport you to your next gate (which would be so cool...just sayin'), I have no sympathy for you.  None.  Next time, be realistic about how much time you need in between 2 flights.  Hint:  it's more than 30 minutes.  
9. If you are a hot, single guy it's expected you give me your number before walking off of the plane.  Ok. Fine...I made that one up.  Can't blame a gal for trying, right?  

Those are the basics.  Or at least the ones I could think of that really, realllly bugged me today during my 13 hour work day.  Let's just say this scratched the surface on Jetiquette.  Don't get overwhelmed...baby steps.  Rome wasn't built in a day & I don't expect all of you nonairport dwellers to know or understand all of the rules just like that.  Just try and learn what you can for your next journey.  Trust me when I say that your FA will appreciate you.  Heck, she might even hand you peanuts, pretzels AND cookies without even asking you what you prefer just because you are such a rockstar passenger!